the things I don’t want you to know about me…

A // W // F

awake

Can I tell you a secret?  

Almost a month ago, our little corner of the world observed Insomnia Awareness Day … and I didn’t write a word.

That’s bothering me now.  

Truth be told, I make an excellent voice for those of us who suffer from insomnia.  I came into the world sleepless and howling, and I’ve pretty much stayed that way ever since.  But I don’t post often about my disordered sleep, at least partly because … well… It’s dark.

Insomnia is hard.  It’s not just hard because it’s exhausting (and sometimes it is).  It’s hard because on a lot of nights, the things happening in my amygdala are honestly kinda terrifying.  And I figure most people don’t want to hear about the shadows tearing around my room at 4 a.m.

But if you visit this site regularly in hopes of finding light and beauty and magic, you should know this:  some mornings, the light finds its way here because I have to fight for it. 

And while that’s hard, I think it’s sort-of beautiful, too.

With that in mind, this week you’ll find a short series of posts about life in my strange, sleepless little nighttime universe. I’ll include one or two entries from my personal Insomnia Diaries — post-midnight scribblings that help me make sense of what’s going on in my overactive brain.  I find them interesting from an artistic perspective, but more importantly, they testify to an important truth:

Most of the time, we push into the light through a hallway of shadows.

I hope you’ll join me, but if this part of the journey isn’t for you, rest assured that these pages will be back to normal by the weekend.

Sweet dreams, friends.  I’m grateful you’re here. ❤

 

 

35 Comments

  2. Insomnia is a disorder many many of us suffer silently. I used to go off like a light on hitting the sack earlier. Nowadays, any change of location or phone calls after 10pm and sleep eludes me. I fully understand your situation.

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    1. I’m sorry you have trouble sleeping, too. 😦

      Insomnia is no fun, but I do think it comes with some important gifts, too … The best of which is that I think I understand what’s going on in my subconscious a lot better than most people do, and that can be really helpful.

      And of course, you and I both have a few extra hours in every day to get things done!!

      Hope you get some sweet shuteye soon. ❤

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  3. Although I can’t relate from personal experience (I’m one of those lucky people who put their heads on the pillow, close their eyes and fall asleep within minutes), I saw my boyfriend struggling with insomnia a couple of years ago and it wasn’t fun…
    I hope sharing those Insomnia Diaries will help you in some way and I’m really looking forward to discover them!

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    1. Thanks, Ines.

      Hopefully this will be a opportunity to make something helpful and even good out of the not-so-fun part of my life.

      Appreciate your readership. And happy Monday!! It’s truly beginning to look absolutely beautiful in our corner of world. How about you? 🙂

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      1. One day it’s sunny + warmer and the other day it’s all gloomy + rainy… It’s like you get so happy that is finally Spring and then it’s not anymore! It really makes your mood shift too, you know..? I’m glad you’re having better weather 🙂 Happy Tuesday!

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        1. That blustery season IS tough … Do something nice for yourself to make yourself feel cozy and warm…

          Orchids always lift my spirits on a cold gray day. They’re so colorful and tropical, when I look at them it’s impossible to feel that the cold can last. 🙂

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  4. Pushing into the light through the shadows… That strikes a chord. The shadows might be different, but it does feel like such a *forceful* effort that sometimes I wonder if it can be real and if I’m not just a huge phony. You are very brave to share the parts that you struggle with the most. Wishing you peace today.

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    1. I meant to click “reply” on this earlier, but I must have forgotten …

      I love that you brought this up, because I *so* get what you’re wrestling with here. I think there’s a fine line sometimes between being intentional about finding the beauty in the mess, and faking the beauty.

      And frankly, I just can’t live with the fake stuff.

      I think it makes it especially hard to know the difference when so much of our culture is about portraying the image of a perfect and happy life — especially on social media — even if perfection is far, far out of reach.

      And I don’t want to buy into those performances, or play into them either… I want the real thing, and nothing less… And that takes a scary level of vulnerability and sincerity sometimes.

      For what it’s worth, you strike me as surprisingly open in your struggles, and refreshingly sincere … I have a feeling you want the real thing, too, and people who want it have a way of finding it, even if they question themselves a little bit in the process.

      Thanks for giving voice to this … It’s given me a lot to chew on, and I think that’s good.

      So appreciate you and your honest voice, pretty girl! 🙂

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      1. I gave myself much to contemplate, too! Oh, sometimes I make my head hurt. When it comes to attempting to discern the truth in beauty, I think our hearts are ready to point the way, but I agree that it is sometimes hard to hear them against all the background noise and the mixed messages that are constantly flooding us from so many sources. It’s so wonderful to have a place to wrestle with these issues and to keep exploring, looking past the exteriors of things. Thanks so much for being you, and for letting me be me!

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        1. Lulu, I love this comment. “When it comes to attempting to discern the truth in beauty, I think our hearts are ready to pint the way… but it is sometimes hard to hear them against all the background noise…” Yes! So true.

          You’re beautiful. Truly. 🙂

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  5. Those who find the brightest rays of light do have to fight for them, first. The old adage is true: nothing is ever free… except maybe love, but that’s a post in itself.
    Thank you for your honesty and giving a voice to many who are afraid of the judgement and vulnerability to open up.

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    1. Always nice to know I’m not alone. 🙂 You’re usually one of the first to read my late-night posts, over there on your other half of the world. It feels good to know you’re there (here?).

      Have a beautiful week, friend! 🙂

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    1. I do dream, although I don’t think it always happens for me the way it does for other people… The line between sleeping and waking is a little more blurry for me, and so the line between dreaming and thinking gets a little blurry, too. If that makes sense.

      But I’ll take LOTS of sweet dreams, thank you! 🙂

      Good to see you back here!

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